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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2009 2:50 pm 
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Quote:
“You dumber than buffalo dung. It means someone stole the tent.”


that's awesome.... :nana:

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The key to a perfect physique is training and training and repeating and repeating. Stop looking for a perfect move, a perfect rep range. You won’t see difference unless you are consistent anyway so stop obsessing, it paralyzes your actions......
~Just Saying~


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 6:42 am 
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Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? Yes!

Think about this one:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.....It creates a hostile work environment.


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 6:51 pm 
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THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING
SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE
SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE
EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN
MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE
DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE
STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT
THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 11:05 pm 
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lol... getting a fax...

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People always trade in something they WANT, for something they want right NOW, and then complain when they don't get results....


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:06 pm 
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RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"


The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam ."


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:06 pm 
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A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn't very long before a police car came along...
"What is going on here?!"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the officer...
"Helllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:08 pm 
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One night , after the couple had retired for

the night, the woman became aware that her husband

was touching her in a most unusual manner. He

started by running his hand across her shoulders and


the small of her back. He ran his hand over her


breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he


proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,

sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the


other side to a point below her waist. He continued


on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the

the other. His hand ran further down the outside of

her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the


inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned

to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused


and she squirmed to a little to better position

herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to


his side of the bed.


" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:10 pm 
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Six Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day they went
her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
they fell asleep and
woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told
his lover to take
his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and
dirt. He put on his
shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his
wife demanded. "I can't
lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with
my secretary. We had
sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been
playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
always talked about
having a son. They decided to try one last time for
the son they always
wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a
healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son. He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his
wife, "There's no way
I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two
beautiful daughters I
fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my
back?" The wife smiled
sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined
the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling
discovery. Schwartz
had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm
sorry Mr. Schwartz,"
the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity." So, he removed
it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you
something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his
briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz
is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the
corner." She rubbed baby
oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until
I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the
husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a
statue." she
replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so
much I got one for
us, too." No more was said, not even when they went
to bed. Around 2 AM
the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and
a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I
stood like that for
two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a
damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and
ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?"
the man thought. He
glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice
juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A
nickel?" exclaimed
the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The
bartender replied,
"Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he
doing upstairs with
your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing
I'm doing to his
business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He
looked up and said
weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's
no need to," his
wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in
peace. I slept with
your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and
your mother!" "I
know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let
the poison work."


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 7:12 am 
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:jump:
Good affairs.... :good:

_________________
The key to a perfect physique is training and training and repeating and repeating. Stop looking for a perfect move, a perfect rep range. You won’t see difference unless you are consistent anyway so stop obsessing, it paralyzes your actions......
~Just Saying~


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 10:40 pm 
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Location: Louisiana
Gender: Male
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am". The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger!"


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