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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 4:44 pm 
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BBQ rules

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Since we are celebrating with cookouts all over the US today... Thanks guys for all your work. LOL
Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 15, 2009 11:22 pm 
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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, "What is it?" The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 15, 2009 11:22 pm 
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A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!"


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 15, 2009 11:24 pm 
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A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 12:22 am 
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hahaha


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:29 pm 
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An eskimo's car breaks down in Alabama. He visits the local mechanic and mechanic says "you blew a seal"

Eskimo says "so what you fucked a sheep"

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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 6:16 pm 
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The Biker And The Bridge

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

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The key to a perfect physique is training and training and repeating and repeating. Stop looking for a perfect move, a perfect rep range. You won’t see difference unless you are consistent anyway so stop obsessing, it paralyzes your actions......
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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 8:18 am 
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.

'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
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Body found in the River......Lexington Police Department reported finding a man's body
in the Kentucky river just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Police do care.
______________

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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 12:07 pm 
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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


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 Post subject: Re: -KB-'s joke thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 12:08 pm 
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-KB- wrote:
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.



LMAO!!

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Be BOLD enough to imagine. Be BRAVE enough to believe.


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